Men are fascinating creatures, everyone says that women are confusing, but I definitely beg to differ. I understand women just fine, it is men I have yet to figure out. What brings this on, none other than a guy – but not for the reasons you are probably thinking.
The short version – Shortly after I moved here to Morehead, a guy randomly emailed me (from here in town). We got to talking and eventually hooked up, he was simply a “friend with benefits”. There was never any chance for more, for no other reason than that I do not date “closet-cases”. Until about a year ago, he had never even been to my apartment – I used to tease him about being afraid that someone whom he did not know and would likely never see again might just see him coming into my apartment – how scandalous that would be. Anyway, we have been just friends for about six months now, but tonight is what brings on this rant.
Over the weekend, I had a three hour “bi*ch” session with a friend. Traditionally, we get drunk during these as it is just that much more entertaining for the other. A few minutes after the bi*ch session ended, ***** called (I’ll keep his paranoia down and just leave him as blanks). We decided to get together and watch a movie, as I was in no state to drive, he came and picked me up. Everything was fine, we watched movies, and drank quite a bit – as I was already “sh*t-faced”, I ended up “skunk-a*s drunk” naturally. We talked, and laughed, and watched movies – nothing else. After he sobered up, he brought me home, and helped me to bed (I had one hell of a hangover the next day). Absolutely nothing sexual happened. As he had been a perfect gentleman, I decided to cook dinner to thank him (nothing fancy). Here is where the confusing part of guys comes in (did I say this was the short version, well I lied ).
So, Monday I cut out of work a little early and came home to cook. About 5:30PM ***** showed up. Everything was fine, we talked a bit and had a glass of wine. I went into the kitchen to put in the garlic bread, and asked him (from the kitchen) “Do you want parmesan on the bread”. When he didn’t answer, I stuck my head out of the kitchen to ask again. What was I greeted by? None other than ***** sitting on my couch with his dick in his hand stroking it. He looked at me (with his very bad come hither look I might add) and said “Fu*k dinner, let’s just skip to dessert”. All I could do was laugh, I told him that I wasn’t that drunk and to put his cock away. I went back in the kitchen, now everything would have been fine, except my uber-bi*ch kicked in. I came out of the kitchen (he still hadn’t put his dick back in his pants) and I went off, I told him that A) he needed a new line, B) I was no longer in the mood to have dinner, C) I had work to do, and D) “if you haven’t gotten the hint – get the fu*k out”. Needless to say, he put his dick away. When he didn’t make any movements towards the door, I looked at him and with as much bit*hy drama-queen as I could muster told him to “get the FU*K OUT!”, he got the hint and left (subtle aren’t I). Now was I a bi*ch – YES. Was it justified, I think so.
Let’s be honest, if I invite a guy for dinner, he should at least have the courtesy to wait until after dinner to pull out his dick, or at least let me pull out his dick.
Now, I can hear every guy out there, “you led him on”, what a typical guy response. You see, I have come to the conclusion that when talking to most guys they hear in an entirely different language.
If you say, “How was your day?”, they hear “F*ck me now!”
If you say, “Do you want to grab a bite for dinner?”, they hear “F*ck me now!”
If you even say, “Hi”, they hear “F*ck me now!”
But if you say, “F*ck me now!”, they hear something to the effect of “**** is on TV”. For str8 guys this is probably some sport, for most gay guys it can be just about anything else.
Now, on a side note, my favorite of all are the men that refer to themselves as “we”; the collective “we” to which they refer is often none other than themselves and their penis. What the F*ck? Now, in all honesty, I love my penis, but I do not refer to it as a person – that is just insane. I don’t ask my penis what it wants for lunch or dinner (though I have met guys that refer to what food their penis is in the mood for).
I wonder if it is a sign that ***** hasn’t called me.

I think we all search for meaning in life and in that search for meaning we seek our truths in many ways. Some seek truth in life – others death. Some seek it through thought – others dreams (Okay so enough of the philosophical stuff). Actually I am just looking for an excuse to talk about the f***ed up dreams that I have been having lately. I swear, one would think that I was on drugs the way they have been going lately. You have to see I am a person that very rarely has recall of dreams, but when I do they tend to be greatly disturbing and prophetic (nothing earth shattering like the secret blend of herbs and spices at KFC ) – what were you thinking I was the second coming of Nostradamus. Well in the past few days I have had some dreams for which I am still attempting to discern their meaning – or just generally getting a good laugh from them.
While taking a nap earlier today I had a dream involving a squirrel. In the dream I awoke to a squirrel using its tail to tickle my nose and wake me. When I awoke the squirrel jumped off my head and onto a chair in my bedroom. The squirrel then put its front leg/arm up to its mouth and made a shhhhhhh sound – then it whispered that you must not talk that they would find us. He then proceeded to use his tail to write on my wall in this glowing green writing. He wrote that his name was “Alamanter” and wrote that he had an important message to give me. He then floated in the air and spun around really fast and erased what had previously been written on the wall. Then again the squirrel wrote on the wall and this time his message was “The marlins are coming you must prepare yourself – Beware the marlins”. He then jumped onto the window sill and whispered “Remember the marlins and be prepared or you too shall die”. He then jumped out the window – I then looked back at the wall and the writing was gone – nothing was left to show that he had been there. I looked back at the window and saw a shadow of Alamanter climbing the tree outside my bedroom and then fell back to sleep. Any interpretations or have I simply lost my marbles.
Tuesday night I had a dream that I was being chased by the female residents of my building. They were carrying pitchforks and torches and were chasing me in a scene right out of Frankenstein. They were all screaming to give them the paper that they must have the paper. I was running as fast as I could go trying to get away from them as I had no paper and didn’t know what they wanted. When they caught me they tied me to a stake and used a pile of toilet paper to burn me as they stood reading a copy of the most recent campus newspaper – it had me on the front page – so I was staring at dozens of pictures of me as I was being burned to death with toilet paper. (Gee I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that the housekeepers don’t give my female students any toilet paper unless I start screaming at their supervisor).
The last has been a reoccurring dream over the last couple of weeks. I am doing rounds through my building and I keep hitting my head on the ceiling but I don’t realize why. I then realize that I am running late for a meeting with my boss and am trying to hurry across campus to get there. As I rush there I look down and realize that I am sort of hovering about the ground and floating towards the building. I suddenly freak out that students will notice and I look around me and nobody is looking at me as though anything is unusual. I then see a student running toward me yelling for me to wait. I stop just hovering about 3 feet off the ground and the student comes over to me asking for a room change from the fourth floor to the first floor due to a fear of heights – I tell the student to come see me later that day and then set off again floating towards my meeting. I get to the building and to save time I simply float straight up the side of the building to her window and go into her office via the open window. She doesn’t seem to think it strange that I floated into a meeting and just continues to talk.
Okay it is now time to sleep and see what else I can dream up tonight.