Okay, so the stuff about why I am wigging out and bummed today. Maybe I am just being stupid, but I think my boyfriend is about to dump me. (Hopefully he won’t read this, I haven’t told him that I added this functionality yet). Well, here is what has been happening.
Friday – He went to court with me (see Friday entries). While there I told him that I had a phone interview later that afternoon for a job about 250 miles away. After that he became somewhat distant – not saying much. That night (4AM in the morning so Saturday technically) I went to his apartment to spend the night (he gets off work at 4AM – also right after I posted a blog entry). Well, I am laying there in bed when he came in and I did the basic greeting stuff (hey babe, how was work) – he basically ignored me. When he got into bed he just laid down – no kiss, no playin’ around, no sex, no nothing. I asked him what was wrong and he simply said that he was tired. Next morning (noon actually), he woke-up before I did, typically he would nudge me gently or wake me up by playing with me or other things. Not this morning, I woke up and found him in the kitchen having breakfast – the conversation seemed rather distant (not like him at all). I went up behind him to massage his neck and shoulders and he pulled away. I again asked him what was wrong and this time his answer was that his shoulders were sore (all the more reason to let me give them attention I thought).
Well, we had originally planned to go to the park and go for a hike/picnic that day. When I brought up when he wanted to leave, he said that he wasn’t feeling up to it. I asked if he was sick the reply no not really. I again asked what was wrong and the answer nothing. I decided that it was very clear that I was not wanted there and was getting ready to leave, before I left he told me that he had to work late so there was no reason for me to come over as he didn’t know when he would get home – I told him that I had to be up early today anyway so it was no big deal (though I am saying forget it to what I had to do). So that brings us up to where we are right now, (any advice email me – the link is in the corner).
Needless to say I think I know what is wrong – the job interview and the thought that I might be leaving. You see, I am not the innocent victim that I might seem. I too like most men am an as*hole in nice guy clothing. Well, not really, but I made a major major major mistake with Ricky that I will have to carry for my whole life. You see, he is absolutely perfect (not really, but he is the perfect guy for me) – and 13 months today I did something that really hurt him and basically devastated him. Let me guess you are thinking that I cheated on him – NO not that I am absolutely monogamous. What I did was even worse.
(The short abbreviated version) We originally started dating in the spring of 2000. Our relationship moved really fast, within 2 months I was basically living with him. During this time I was searching for a job and had been very open with him about that. I interviewed with a school in the Boston MA area. I went to the interview and at the time really liked the school (I learned better later). I was offered the position and accepted it – only I did not tell Ricky. On August 22, 2000 while he was at work I packed my stuff and left – leaving only a note behind telling him I was moving to Boston and a check to pay half of everything until his lease was up. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. I did so for two reasons.
You see, I can honestly say now that I love him and at the time I was scared to admit it to myself. You see I had been down that road before. I had never felt as strongly for anyone as I do Ricky, but others had been close. In both cases I had my heart ripped out beaten to a pulp with a sledgehammer and then tossed in a blender on frappe. In other words it was bad, and I was scared that the same would happen with him. The other reason that I did not tell him was that I was scared of the conversation that might come up. A conversation where we would decide to move together and I was terrified of the commitment. You see it would be one thing if I had stayed here, but I was moving 1000 miles and would be responsible for taking him to a town were he did not know anyone and where he was far away from everything he knew. I didn’t think it fair to even ask him to make that decision. Further the position was a live-in position (an apartment in a residence hall) – he had never lived on a college campus so had no idea of what to expect so it would have been unfair to have put him in that environment. Basically I was a stupid idiot that walked out on him.
We did talk after I got there and I explained everything and why I did what I did (he was crying the whole time and for the most part so was I, but I was convinced I had made the right decision). I saw him in December at a party and he was with someone else (actually a friend who was playing boyfriend to make me feel bad). We talked some more and put the hard feelings to rest.
I returned in May to be with a friend who was dieing. I had talked with him and he knew I was back. One night I just showed up on his doorstep crying (Becky had taken a turn for the worse) – he took me in and talked and comforted me. I stayed there that night and the next morning I woke up and wanted to be with him – I loved him and knew it and I just wanted to show that and be with him. He woke up to me giving him a blowjob – we made love for close to six hours. In other words we got back together, it was a little odd at first – basically I spent all my time telling him I was sorry for being an asshole. He was by my side through her death.
After that we decided to take a vacation (he spent 2 weeks with me and I spent another 4 after that) in New Orleans. During that time we made up for lost time, and it was also the first time we both truly told the other those three words (the hardest in the human language to say) I LOVE YOU. Well, we talked through the relationship and in depth on why I had done what I did and we together came to a conclusion. That another time and another place we would be together and it would last, but at this point in our lives it limited our options. We decided that it would last as long as it would last (basically until I left again).
So in other words he is faced with that possibility again, the possibility that I will leave. It is hard for me to think about it, so I can only imagine what it is like for him. He has to be wondering if the man that he loves will walk out on him for a second time. I don’t really know what to say or even tell him. In truth I didn’t think it would be that hard for me either. The other thing is that I searched much closer, 250 miles is not really all that far (4 hour drive okay maybe a little on the far side for a relationship, but it could work). But then again, all this worrying may all be for not because I may not even get invited for a campus interview or get the job, who the hell knows. All I know is that I think I am losing him again and this time he is leaving me.