Yeah, I am bad about posting regularly, I know that, but that is not the point. I got to thinking today, and no it wasn’t about some hot guy I was mentally undressing. It was about one of our new hall director staff.
Let’s see, he’s gay, moved hundreds of miles from home to be here, had only one friend in the area, is enthusiastic, thinks he can save the world, is outgoing and friendly, in his first year as a hall director, is 23, and his mom is coming to see him for Labor Day weekend.
For those that know me, think back four years. Let’s see, I’m gay, moved hundreds of miles (in my case to Boston, in his to podunkholler’), had only one friend in that area, was enthusiastic, thought I could save the world, was outgoing and friendly, was in my first year as a hall director, was 23, and guess what – my mom came to see me over Labor Day weekend. Sound somewhat familiar.
Now four years later, I am somewhat a jaded ol’ queen (Don’t get me wrong, I am still a sweet and caring person, if you can get past the shields I use to protect myself and ultimately to keep people out). I wasn’t ready for what I found and what I encountered. It wasn’t the job, but the attitudes and other issues I had to deal with, I look at him and I wonder if the same will happen to him. I lived in a so-called ‘gay mecca’ and I encountered hate that nearly destroyed me, he moved to a small conservative town in rural Kentucky – I wonder what he will find.
I grew a thick skin over the years, and used my anger and rage as a tool to fight back and for strength, but when I first entered this realm I was still wet behind the ears and as naive as a farmboy (pardon the pun). I see him and I think the same thing – I wonder what will become of him. Will he rise or crumble.
Maybe I am overreacting, when I came here two years ago, I encountered a modest amount of homophobia from staff (mostly stemming from ignorance), and from students a great deal (almost all stemming from ignorance). That was 2 years ago, in many ways our office and staff have changed, and even to some extent the larger institution. Already, he has internal support I did not have, I was greeted by many with animosity and resentment (I reinforced the idea of the end of the good ol’ boy network), he on the other hand had staff specifically asking some of us to help him make a successful transition (how do I know that, I was asked to help him make the transition and to ensure he had every resource he needed to be successful and not by anyone most people would think).
So what started all of this (verbal vomit), partially it was the similarities, but also the fact that one of my colleagues stopped me to ask if I had a romantic interest in him. The quick answer I gave was no, and as I thought about it, I realized that was truly the case – I have zero interest in him. He isn’t my type, and I seriously doubt I am his, but she really got me to thinking. I wonder if he thinks that is the case, I have gone out of my way to be helpful, partially because of the request, but also because I don’t want to see him turn into me. And clearly, some in the office have noticed that. I don’t really know how to address that with him, or even if I should, but at the same time I don’t want to potentially alienate him. Oh well, I will figure it out.
And, to top it off, he is wanting to restart the gay student group on campus (They died years ago). I worked with several students last fall to restart the group, but it again fell apart (because of one particular student who THANK GAWD is no longer here). Do I help, and potentially make him think that I am trying to undermine him or steal his ‘thunder’, or do I just let him do it. If I help, will the help be wanted? I know that I could make a few calls and send a few emails and have enough students to reconstitute the group by the end of the week – I guess I need to sleep on it tonight and figure something out. Oddly enough, I have a meeting in the morning with one of the people who could quickly ensure the institutional support, but should I intervene?
You know, if I don’t walk into drama, I somehow manage to create my own. Damn, I really am a drama queen 