My story begins on one fateful summer day in July. Me the innocent and sweet person that I am just driving along minding my own business. (Okay, I was really doing 90 as I was running late as usual and dodging in and out of rush hour traffic – but you miss the point.) Anyway, I was driving along minding my business passing through Florence (KY) you know the place with the ‘Florence Y’all’ water tower when out of nowhere this giant neon pink and purple dildo comes flying towards my car. Not having anywhere I could go, I just let it come for me – I’ve never been afraid of a cock before and I’m not going to start now. So my life flashes before me in slow motion and I think is this how it ends killed by a giant cock. Then smack, the dildo hits my windshield leaving a cock head shaped crack (if you are imaginative, you can even see it as a cock head that is cumming, the cracks shot out in front like it is shooting its load [or maybe I just need to get laid]). To add insult to injury, rather than bouncing off or falling off to the side, the dildo just sat there on my windshield. So here you have me barreling towards Cincinnati in rush hour traffic with a neon pink and purple dildo on my hood (I guess I could look at it as free advertising). I had ample time to study the dildo in detail, and hundreds of questions popped through my mind. Where did it come from, why my vehicle, who the hell throws a dildo out of their vehicle on the interstate, what if they didn’t throw it out, what if it came out, what were these crazy dildo users doing, and lastly where had that dildo been (that thought was just too horrific to imagine – I was passing through Florence and racing towards Cincinnati afterall, neither exactly an accepting gay mecca). The thought of where it had been too horrible to visualize, I decide to roll down the windows and crank the stereo – might as well make the best of a beautiful day. Then traffic began to slow – congestion during rush hour who ever heard of such – and here I am windows down, Cher blaring on the stereo, with a giant dildo on my hood. Needless to say the looks, pointing, and laughter were quiet memorable. At this point I had decided to leave the dildo – I refused to touch it without protection (always wrap it up, or at least in this case get a rubber glove or paper towel or something to grab the mysterious flying dildo with).

Slowly but surely traffic begins to flow again and I am back on my way to Richmond Indiana. I finally get through Florence and find a truck stop to get gas and remove my extra passenger at. I pull off, fill up the tank and see this guy staring at my vehicle. I muster in my bitchiest tone – ‘what you never seen a cock that big’. His respond ‘nope, can’t say I have’. My retort, ‘My sympathy to your wife’. He just looked confused. I finished filling my tank and then grabbed one of the papertowels out of the dispenser and use it to throw the flying dildo in the trash.

I proceed on the rest of my trip without my extra cargo and arrive uneventful in Richmond. At the hotel, one of the staff comments ‘what happened, that looks like one nasty crack in your window’. I recount my story with her eyes getting bigger and bigger throughout.

Without a doubt, it will require years of therapy to overcome this horrific experience – okay maybe not. More than anything it is par for the course, if crazy crap didn’t happen to me, I wouldn’t be me. In truth, the thought going through my mind, ‘damn is that what my life has come to that my truck is getting more action than I am. Needless to say, I haven’t fixed the windshield, I have kinda gotten used to it. Plus it is entertaining to me when people ask about the crack and I get to recount my story to them and see the reactions.

From the same people that had to make it “illegal to fish with a bow and arrow”, and make it “illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket” comes the casino terminator 2000. That’s right – you have a riverboat casino that is mudding your view of the dirty Ohio river – well no longer Kentucky’s own Casino terminator will come to your rescue. The casino terminator 2000 is 688VLS class submarine capable of blowing any evil casino boat straight back to hell.

This has to be a joke right? Well that is what I originally thought when I read Kentucky’s House Resolution 256. The purpose to “encourage the purchase of a submarine to patrol the waters of the Commonwealth and search and destroy all casino riverboats”.
It is moments like these that I miss my dear ol’ home state. They’re all nuttier than a bunch of fruitcakes.
It isn’t enough to simply have police remove them from state waters – NO… that doesn’t send the right message – and of course the right message to send is to blow the F-ing thing to bits. Just remember rednecks and their guns.

BTW… For the full text and the guy responsible see more below.

The Man Behind the Resolution
Representative Thomas Burch of Louisville

The resolutions HR256

A RESOLUTION encouraging the purchase and vigorous use of the USS Louisville 688 VLS Class submarine.
WHEREAS, in the past few years the scourge of the casino riverboat has been an increasingly significant presence on the Ohio River; and
WHEREAS, the Ohio River borders the Commonwealth of Kentucky; and
WHEREAS, the siren song of payola issuing from the discordant calliopes of these gambling vessels has led thousands of Kentucky citizens to vast disappointment and woe; and
WHEREAS, no good can come to the citizens of Kentucky hypnotized from the siren song issuing from these casino riverboats, the engines of which are fired by the hard-earned dollars lost from Kentucky citizens;
NOW, THEREFORE,
Be it resolved by the House of Representatives of the General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Kentucky:

Section 1. The House of Representatives does hereby encourage the formation of the Kentucky Navy and subsequently immediately encourages the purchase and armament of one particularly effective submarine, namely, the USS Louisville 688 VLS Class Submarine, to patrol the portion of the Ohio River under the jurisdiction of the Commonwealth to engage and destroy any casino riverboats that the submarine may encounter.
Section 2. The House of Representatives does hereby authorize the notification of the casino riverboat consulate of this Resolution and impending whoopin’ so that they may remove their casino vessels to friendlier waters.

By now I think everyone has heard Jerry Falwell’s infamous comment (link no longer in Internet Archive) of last week (The Village Voice did a nice top ten style list using it). Needless to say it still pisses me off. By why do I bring this up now, you will understand in a few moments. (but first the rant).

I would think that the America people would finally wake up one day and realize that religious fanaticism in any form is dangerous. It is a lesson that we saw the deadly results of on 9/11 but no. Shortly after that Jerry “Bin Laden” Falwell comes out of the wood work and claims the blame for the attack rests on everyone for which he typically shows disdain. Have people forgotten his last major PR release (no not Tinky Winky) it was a little comment about how a hurricane was going to come and destroy Florida if the people did not turn against what he viewed as their sinning ways (specifically naming several groups – same as always homosexuals, pagans, feminists) (On a side note will he ever find new groups to pick on). This man is a true nut case. How anyone can take him serious is beyond me. But the reality is that it was a great deal of free publicity that offended half the country and caused the other half to call up and let him steal their money for his theme park and God only knows what else.

Now what made me think about this tonight. Well, I think I have figured out why it is that all of these people like Falwell are crazy. They too are drinking the Pat Robertson protein drink. Yes folks did you know (or even care) that Pat can do 600 pound leg-presses. His secret a special 700 club protein drink (expect the infomercial coming soon – can’t you see it “a drink inspired by God”) but yes folks I believe that all of these nut cases are on the same protein drink. A drink that no only allows them to do 600 pound leg-presses but also makes them absolutely certifiably looney. (All that stuff up there for this, you can tell I am tired — time for sleep).