My story begins on one fateful summer day in July. Me the innocent and sweet person that I am just driving along minding my own business. (Okay, I was really doing 90 as I was running late as usual and dodging in and out of rush hour traffic – but you miss the point.) Anyway, I was driving along minding my business passing through Florence (KY) you know the place with the ‘Florence Y’all’ water tower when out of nowhere this giant neon pink and purple dildo comes flying towards my car. Not having anywhere I could go, I just let it come for me – I’ve never been afraid of a cock before and I’m not going to start now. So my life flashes before me in slow motion and I think is this how it ends killed by a giant cock. Then smack, the dildo hits my windshield leaving a cock head shaped crack (if you are imaginative, you can even see it as a cock head that is cumming, the cracks shot out in front like it is shooting its load [or maybe I just need to get laid]). To add insult to injury, rather than bouncing off or falling off to the side, the dildo just sat there on my windshield. So here you have me barreling towards Cincinnati in rush hour traffic with a neon pink and purple dildo on my hood (I guess I could look at it as free advertising). I had ample time to study the dildo in detail, and hundreds of questions popped through my mind. Where did it come from, why my vehicle, who the hell throws a dildo out of their vehicle on the interstate, what if they didn’t throw it out, what if it came out, what were these crazy dildo users doing, and lastly where had that dildo been (that thought was just too horrific to imagine – I was passing through Florence and racing towards Cincinnati afterall, neither exactly an accepting gay mecca). The thought of where it had been too horrible to visualize, I decide to roll down the windows and crank the stereo – might as well make the best of a beautiful day. Then traffic began to slow – congestion during rush hour who ever heard of such – and here I am windows down, Cher blaring on the stereo, with a giant dildo on my hood. Needless to say the looks, pointing, and laughter were quiet memorable. At this point I had decided to leave the dildo – I refused to touch it without protection (always wrap it up, or at least in this case get a rubber glove or paper towel or something to grab the mysterious flying dildo with).

Slowly but surely traffic begins to flow again and I am back on my way to Richmond Indiana. I finally get through Florence and find a truck stop to get gas and remove my extra passenger at. I pull off, fill up the tank and see this guy staring at my vehicle. I muster in my bitchiest tone – ‘what you never seen a cock that big’. His respond ‘nope, can’t say I have’. My retort, ‘My sympathy to your wife’. He just looked confused. I finished filling my tank and then grabbed one of the papertowels out of the dispenser and use it to throw the flying dildo in the trash.

I proceed on the rest of my trip without my extra cargo and arrive uneventful in Richmond. At the hotel, one of the staff comments ‘what happened, that looks like one nasty crack in your window’. I recount my story with her eyes getting bigger and bigger throughout.

Without a doubt, it will require years of therapy to overcome this horrific experience – okay maybe not. More than anything it is par for the course, if crazy crap didn’t happen to me, I wouldn’t be me. In truth, the thought going through my mind, ‘damn is that what my life has come to that my truck is getting more action than I am. Needless to say, I haven’t fixed the windshield, I have kinda gotten used to it. Plus it is entertaining to me when people ask about the crack and I get to recount my story to them and see the reactions.