The Digital Fairytale

Madam Fairy’s Homoscopes

This is meant for humor and entertainment. If you take this too seriously, I will come and pound you over the head with my crystal ball.

ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Let me guess, as a boy you were probably always raiding mom’s closet. Well Ms. Thang bring that fixation for role-playing out of the closet and let it all hang out. Your love of and natural ability for role-playing makes each sex act new and exciting with the bang of a summer blockbuster. Try being more coy about sex and not just jumping into bed with any dick. Yes, guys want to devour your body, but if you play hard to get, with your sexual prowess, guys will be lining up to get to your bed, and pretty soon you’ll be able to put-up a McDonald’s like sign (billions and billions served).

TAURUS (April 21-May 21)
Oh baby, with that sweet sexy voice of yours, you should consider opening your own 900-phone sex number. With all the extra money you make you will be able to provide for all your material wants and needs. Yes honey admit it, you are a “material girl”. You definitely know how to give a man what he wants in bed, take it slow and make it intense and your relationship will have a longer run than “Another World”. (And, if you’re not in a relationship, drop me a line. I love Taurus guys, that is if you think you are up to the challenge of a cancer diva like myself.)

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
Remember Cyndi Lauper, well honey, in your case it is true “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” You are the queen of the ball so to speak, you make every little party a major extravaganza. Oh honey, with your double-sided nature, you can please any man whether he be a top or a bottom. But, your exhibitionist nature can tend to get you into trouble, in other words keep your pants zipped at the company picnic. Your man doesn’t need to play with you while you are passing the mayo to your boss; it is probably creamy enough without you adding your own special sauce to the recipe.

CANCER (June 22-July 23)
All right already, stop it with this “Mom” complex of yours, are you a man or a queen. (Don’t answer that!) Stop being so defensive, open up. You will never get him into your bed unless you tell him all the things you have imagined doing to him. I know you have imagined lots of things, crabs can be so deliciously creative. Plus, why not try being the life of the party, go out in the skimpiest outfit you own and flaunt it honey, you got it so why not show the world. And while we’re at it, stop being such a disease, when your mood swings strike either retreat away or take a Prozac and make life easier for everyone.

LEO (July 24-Aug. 23)
Oh honey, step away from the mirror. Stop being so vain, it will be your downfall. As a first step go out today without any of your normal personal hygiene routine (that should save you hours). If that special queen you have been wanting to get into your bed still talks to you afterwards, then it was meant to be. Get the handcuffs, get the whips, and tie him up before this one gets away.

VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Yes Hon, you are a Queen, just admit it, they don’t come more feminine that Virgo. Trust me, even if you do not realize it, you are the favorite guy of every FagHag that you know. Well Ms. Thang, the virgin is anything but an appropriate sign for you. Just the thought of the contradiction makes me laugh. You love sex as much if not more than any man does. You know how you like it and you want it the same way everytime, but your natural sexual intensity makes the predictability bearable for any man you are with. Trust me, Mary wouldn’t have been a virgin either if she had been a Virgo, so just go out and have fun.

LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
So, you like to look at your life as a fairy tale, well at least you got the fairy part right. Seriously, you want your relationships to be like a storybook. Prince Charming comes in on his white stallion and sweeps you off your feet as you ride off into the sunset, or at least back to his place. At which point you hope that he is hung like that horse of his, no I am not saying that you are a size queen, but if the high-heeled shoes fit. (Get the picture.) You truly are a romantic being ruled by Venus, and you definitely know how to woo a man into your arms. You know when to send flowers or when to write that overly seductive and romantic love letter. If only every gay man had your sense of romance.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
Let me guess your favorite outfit is made of leather. You would make a beautiful dominatrix diva, with your dominating tendencies. Or maybe you are the one that follows around on your hands and knees, because you can be as loyal as a dog. You have the energy to live life to its fullest. Whether it being hitting the books, the gym, or the clubs, or all in one night, your drive is one of your better qualities. Just think what or who you might be able to conquer if you set your mind to it.

I originally composed this in 1999 and never have gotten around to finishing – maybe one day. Oh who am I kidding

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19)

PISCES (Feb. 20-March 20)