The Digital Fairytale

Home Sweet “Blow the F-ing Boat out of the water” Home

*More Classic Fairy from the Internet Archive originally posted on March 29, 2002.

From the same people that had to make it “illegal to fish with a bow and arrow”, and make it “illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket” comes the casino terminator 2000. That’s right – you have a riverboat casino that is mudding your view of the dirty Ohio river – well no longer Kentucky’s own Casino terminator will come to your rescue. The casino terminator 2000 is 688VLS class submarine capable of blowing any evil casino boat straight back to hell.

This has to be a joke right? Well that is what I originally thought when I read Kentucky’s House Resolution 256. The purpose to “encourage the purchase of a submarine to patrol the waters of the Commonwealth and search and destroy all casino riverboats”.
It is moments like these that I miss my dear ol’ home state. They’re all nuttier than a bunch of fruitcakes.
It isn’t enough to simply have police remove them from state waters – NO… that doesn’t send the right message – and of course the right message to send is to blow the F-ing thing to bits. Just remember rednecks and their guns.

BTW… For the full text and the guy responsible see more below.

The Man Behind the Resolution
Representative Thomas Burch of Louisville

The resolutions HR256

A RESOLUTION encouraging the purchase and vigorous use of the USS Louisville 688 VLS Class submarine.
WHEREAS, in the past few years the scourge of the casino riverboat has been an increasingly significant presence on the Ohio River; and
WHEREAS, the Ohio River borders the Commonwealth of Kentucky; and
WHEREAS, the siren song of payola issuing from the discordant calliopes of these gambling vessels has led thousands of Kentucky citizens to vast disappointment and woe; and
WHEREAS, no good can come to the citizens of Kentucky hypnotized from the siren song issuing from these casino riverboats, the engines of which are fired by the hard-earned dollars lost from Kentucky citizens;
NOW, THEREFORE,
Be it resolved by the House of Representatives of the General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Kentucky:

Section 1. The House of Representatives does hereby encourage the formation of the Kentucky Navy and subsequently immediately encourages the purchase and armament of one particularly effective submarine, namely, the USS Louisville 688 VLS Class Submarine, to patrol the portion of the Ohio River under the jurisdiction of the Commonwealth to engage and destroy any casino riverboats that the submarine may encounter.
Section 2. The House of Representatives does hereby authorize the notification of the casino riverboat consulate of this Resolution and impending whoopin’ so that they may remove their casino vessels to friendlier waters.

Tags: classic, crazy, Kentucky, laws, politicians

Confessions of an Addict

*Another saved by the Internet Archive. Originally from March 20, 2002

HI! My name is Digital Fairy and I am an addict
Ever since I was a child I have had a terrible addiction – I try to resist, but the need grows and grows and the impulses and desires become ever more severe, until … until … I would do anything to shop. YES! I CONFESS, I AM ADDICTED TO SHOPPING, I AM A SHOPAHOLIC!
What you thought I was going to say that I was some sort of crack or heroin addict. Please, I have too much self-respect – and fashion sense for that.

I come from a family of hunters – Dad and Brother hunt animals, Mom and I hunt bargains. Every year from birth till 18, every time a hunting season came around Mom and I would head out for a day of shopping – we were always much more successful hunters than my father and brother (Why did we do this? Well, I refused to kill Bambi’s mother and would call my father a murderer for weeks if I saw a dead animal, and my mother wanted to piss my father off). That is where my addiction began and it became more serious with each passing day.

What made me decide to come out – I realized that I just spent $1000.00 on stuff I didn’t really need in the course of a couple hours at auction sites – $1000.00 that I didn’t really have in the first place to spend. (I am such an impulse shopper!)

I know, $1000.00 doesn’t sound that bad, but that is not my biggest shopping excursion. The most I spent in one day $8000.00, but that was a long time ago – basically I don’t have that much money to spend. (Though in truth my biggest one day total was the check I wrote to buy my car $21,800 – I still remember writing – mainly because of the looks that I got having paid for a new car with a check – but that one I do not count as someone else gave me the money). But anyway, I digress.

Last night I decided to buy a new computer, don’t ask me why, I have 2 in my office and 3 in my apartment, not to mention my laptop – so I did not need another one. Why a new computer? Well, I decided that I am going to install Linux again (that is another story for another time), and I was in a lazy mood – too lazy to be bothered with transferring files off one of the old PC’s (that is pretty damn lazy). So I went shopping at the online-auction sites – settling on Ubid (Bear in mind that, I went shopping for a computer and only a computer, I have monitors and other things running out my ass).

So my little auction excursion. I decided that I didn’t want to spend much as I really want a big screen TV (another waste in a small apartment – don’t get me started, Hell crack would be cheaper than my shopping habit). So I go on and found what I considered to be a great deal an AMD Athlon 1.2GHz with 384MB RAM, a 40GB Hard drive, CD-RW drive, Network card, modem, etc… all for around $400.00 including overnight shipping. Perfect for a little Linux workstation to play around on. But was I satisfied with that no, I decided to look around and see what else they had. All in all, I ended up buying that computer, a new folding keyboard for my Palm Vx (including shipping only $25.00), and a 21-inch monitor for the computer I do not really need (including overnight shipping less than $200.00). What can I say, I learned the secret to on-line auction sites like Ubid, a willingness to stay up into the wee hours of the morning to get a good deal – you know that time of day when normal people are asleep.

I know what you are thinking, “but that is only $625.00 you said over $1000.00.” That I did and that I spent. As I am sure you know you have to really watch an auction to make sure you get the item, so what do you do while you wait. Well that is easy, to add insult to financial injury, you go to Amazon the one place you know will have everything you want and don’t really need. I started browsing and saw a DVD here, a book there, a game for my Gamecube, etc… until when I checked out the bill was $445.62 yes folks that is addition for you.

Oh well, I get paid next week. At least I can pay off what I just spent. Now, I wonder what size of big screen to buy?

Tags: addiction, classic, family, shopping